Stop the victimization

Here is a cute list of what not to do so that women do not get raped....notice how it turns back to the perp! (as it should be)

Really...I think I'm done with dating

So I've been on the online dating scene for a very long time. From Lava to Ashley to AFF and so on. I am finding it getting a bit childish and, since Fifty Shades came out, the NSA/FWB scene has become some odd morphed must be committed and in constant contact delusional atmosphere.

There are more men on the scene trying to have fun I guess, but want to still be in power. They use a serious amount of mind games (one guy told me I was too ignorant and had to fuck off...I'm guessing its because I did not stroke his ego in the ONE conversation we had). They do the put down thing and the whole "well we should try and just be us alone for a bit"...

FUCK YOU!!!

That is not what I signed up for. If you really think that you are a god's gift to women then find someone who has never dated or had sex before. No disappointment. Don't expect me to suddenly think that because you contacted me I must feel fantastic.....when did this become a thing and who is letting these guys think this?

Then apparently they have the right to let you know you are the stupid one for not doing what they want....I dunno...it's getting harder to find a decent partner in this mix.

The other issue I'm really struggling with are those idiots who read "Fifty Shades" and now want to fulfil some dark vanilla fantasy they read about.  (dark vanilla= vanilla things that vanilla people think are risky).

OMG!!

They ask stupid questions like "what was the craziest place you had sex" or "what is your ultimate fantasy"....

I cannot stress how stupid these things are to me. If you want to know what I am into that is fine, but don't act like I'm some show piece for you to experiment with. If you want to be taught then find a women who is into that..I am not.

For me, a partner must come with a level of maturity that includes being able to understand that my life is my life...not some chapter of a book that you will get over once you've crossed off some shit on your bucket list! I think it is very pathetic and not what I am interested in. I make this pretty clear on my profile....

Then why does it still happen....morons. I guess I have to find a new city to search through.....

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Single on a Saturday: Oh that Cats of Two..

I have finally recovered. Now let’s talk Saturday.

So 2CatsCocktail lounge was a favorite hotspot of mine many moons ago. I took a break from it for a few years. Then they renovated and once again my love for it has begun to flourish. I have mentioned it a few times in these blogs, but this time it needs its own space.

There is no bar that leads to memory loss as much as 2Cats has.  I wake up safely at 9am at home in my PJs, but I remember nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Sunday morning, as I was reconnecting with the party mates re:the night before, they both tossed around a new sort-of slogan: 2Cats is the blackhole of Toronto…You remember going in, but never coming out. Interesting. I keep saying we need a video camera or take more selfies, just to retrace the night.

Its always a good time at 2Cats and you just forget that you are drinking liquor. This is the place for social people. Even in its new expanded form it is crowded in all of the right spots. The dance floor is where you make it and everyone is ok with that. You’re always chatting to the people near you, smile as you push past the crowd to the bathroom. ..oh and the best part is that there is never a bathroom line!!!!! I think I would have just as much fun while sober there, but life’s a celebration filled with fine wine (and vodka). Good times had by all- the perfect recipe for forgetting.

When I look back I only stopped going because of the line up. Now I only go if it is a  pre-set destination (I will no longer bar hop on King West. Not worth the time waiting in lines). I go out earlier and get back home sooner….hahaha or so is the plan, but that never happens. I get there at 10:30 and still troll home at past 4am..I actually was walking out there carrying my shoes…Arctic Monkeys fans will get that one. I got in a cab and came home…

Or so I assume.

Sex on a first date

Someone sent this across my way:

Why You Should Always Have Sex on a First Date

Awesome article!! The main thing to take in is that if you are sacrificing having sex with someone for the sake of looking pure then you might be wasting your time. I read "The Rules" and even attempted to follow them, but I could not. I cannot be that lady.

Sex itself is a healthy thing for the body. It hopefully leads to an orgasm or a rush of body chemicals the ends up with you feeling elated and tired. Assuming it goes well and there aren't any medical/other issues involved.

If you want technical reasons then look up these lovely chemicals:
Oxytocin: This is a hormone that the body releases during orgasm. This releases endorphins and brings a sense of elation to the body. It makes you happy.
Prolactin: A hormone mainly linked to lactation (breast feeding)
Dopamine: Another (blessed) side effect of orgasm, dopamine is a hormone released 

Of course there is the emotional side of things. The skin to skin contact can be comforting and being with someone might make you feel closer to them (or just feel good for the sake of feeling good).

All of these things are not great excuses for pressuring someone to have sex on a first date...they are just positive rationalizations. Now.... things can get iffy.

Some people see sex as a way to solidify a relationship. Sex on a first date is probably not a good idea in this situation. The first date may be the last and the sex was not intended as a connection. Then there are those who have sex addictions- a real issue. This might cause someone to have sex on a first date for no reason and then feel like shit afterwards. That is also a bad idea. There are also people that have difficulty coming to orgasm or have pain during sex (such as vaginismus). Also hard times for sex on a first date. These situations require a lot more from a partner than a quick meeting can provide.

Overall, sex on a first date can be great thing, but should not bea pressure. Do what what you're most comfortable with and do it safely.....and if you like it--do it often.


Sources:
Cool article in Chatelaine (and there is mention of Beverly Whipple, an awesome sexual scientist): http://www.chatelaine.com/health/sex-and-relationships/more-sex-is-the-secret-to-a-longer-healthier-life/
Video:http://youtu.be/sSOFtSG6nDo

Single on a Saturday: Putting the pennies to use

So a friend of mine posted a very awesome slogan on facebook: 'In my old age I have decided that I'd rather surround myself with a few great people- I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.' I cannot stress how true this is. At 35 I look back at my "friends" and see what I have. Too many pennies. Way too many pennies. This is the problem with getting old- you see the amount of users in your life but are afraid that they are the only ones that will be there for the rest of this time so you stick with them.

I say fuck that. You can make friends in my many ways to meet your many needs. I might have discussed my man for all seasons concept. ..hmmm...looking back I did not. So that will be another edition.

Let's talk friends for all season. These are the people that are really just pennies. They will never be quarters because they are not good friends- just fine acquaintances. They will always be pennies.

They are the ones that make fun of you for being different, judge you for enjoying your life, put you down for working too much, stop talking to you when they get a boyfriend but always want you to be on their command. They make up shit to get out of hanging with you- no money, no time, was there yesterday...bullshit. All of these are excuses- if at 35 you have no money, get another job; if you have no time, manage it better; if you were there yesterday- you can go fuck yourself since you obviously did not invite me....pennies.

If its all about building personal connections- why have these people in your life? They are a seasonal need. Odds are that person saying they don't have money is full of shit. They will call you to go shopping because that is what they enjoy. Do it. Go shopping. That is what they are useful for. Do not put them on the list for trips, or galas. They will say they cannot afford that, but when you need an expensive shopping trip or cross border experience, they will be down. That is their season.

What about that ass hole friend who makes shitty mistakes, but always treats you like you're the stupid one. This douche is probably the one that wants a sidekick- I call them kibbles and bits after the dog food commercial. Not because they are dogs....but...well...maybe it should be because they are dogs. Really, its because they think they are the alpha dog. In their mind you are the tiny dog hopping about. In my mind they are only worth a penny.


Kibbles is probably the type of friend that has a bad attitude and spends a lot of time judging others. They'll turn you into a side kick when they are truly not better than you in any way.  This friend probably is great for boozing and socializing so that is their season. Don't call this ass hole for advice or support. Hell don't even tell them about your weekend....your contact should be limited to "Let's get drunk" "OK" No dinners, no roadies, none of that friendship calibre shit. Just git drunk!! Heck this isn't even your contraband friend....kibbles is too judgemental for that shit....You know the kind...
Booze is ok..everything else is not....even though booze is horribly harmful.

Once you have sectioned off kibbles you are probably left with the super penny....the one who will hang out with you when she/he is single...Oh yes. They go through that break up and demand your emotional support- after weeks of dealing with their childish shit you call them to hang out and they say they are too busy with whatever excuse. Then of course they post pics on facebook with them busy having dinner with the family of the boy they just met. Yes you might have known them for years and had a friendship that required you to be supportive. Then that fucker decides that you're not good enough so she gets a boyfriend and focuses all her time on him.

This friend is very much a penny....do not get confused. When they have downtime she will use you. I am not even sure what season this can go with. I would add them to the kibbles pile. Heck it might even be the same person!!

Except this bitch likes contraband.

Yes, she will call for a banging girls night out and you can bring all the treats. You gotta pay because this bitch will make the old "I don't do it often enough to buy it" deal. Its all good, just stuff you would have done any way on your own. Now you have company. That's all this person is--company.They are literally seasonal since they will only use you for occasional times out or just for your single gal stories.

Well that covers some of the pennies. I'll cover quarters another day...but remember:

Yup. I am a relationship counsellor...friends are relationships...and sometimes they are just not that into you...remember that.

Single on a Saturday: The Art of the Pick- Up

This weekend’s socialite night was at a new place- myself and another SHC (single hot chick) started at the Thompson Hotel where I enjoyed a $25 shot of Patron Café….most expensive in the city but I’m worth it….and danced to some awesome tunes. We then met up with a friend of hers that was staying at the hotel. Talk about a magnificent view and beautiful suites. I felt like modern royalty in there.

After the high priced shot and the visit to the royal boudoir, we walked to a line- up that looked like good times. Not knowing the place, we inquired about it and was told that it was not associated with the Thompson, but they give guests special privileges just the same. Awesome…so past the line and down the stairs into 1812 we went. 

http://www.thompsonhotels.com/hotels/toronto/thompson-toronto/organize-a-gathering/1812-lounge

What an awesome time! Great music alongside a well-dressed and fun crowd. There was one guy with really bad BO who kept trying to dance with me but that was snipped in the bud. Nothing more unattractive than bad BO and misguided persistence. 

This brings me to the art of the pick-up. Yes the art. It is a practice that requires some version of finesse and a plan..along with a back-up plan. Think about it like a mission on The Unit or well laid plan from JR on Dallas. It is an art and to be successful you must think of it in this way.

Just flirting does not get you nookie. Heck, it all starts before you even go out. I like to summarize things in phases.  So for those of you that are artistically inclined here are some ideas that you can run with:

Phase One: Planning

You gotta know where you want to go and what type of crowd you want to be in

This requires finding out in advanced where you want to go or at least having a mindset of the crowd you want find your afterhours entertainment

Then you gotta dress the part –ya ya I know as someone with a background sexual sociopsychology I should be encouraging people to present their true selves and not change to fit in…BULLSHIT..this is picking up…as I said it is an art. If this were a performance or a recital you’d dress the part. It has nothing to do with being someone different- it has to do with being the best you. This might mean practising walking around in those high heels that you bought, but never had a place to wear. It might mean doing f’in laundry so you don’t stink like a bad episode. Could be making sure your long jacket is ready for your very short skirt (it is winter and I do still wear mini dresses, but long hooded coats are in so no worries). Whatever it means, just do it and remember your goal is to pick up….

Phase Two: Execution level 1

Ya now its starting to sound like a mission, eh?

This level is the initial stage of the pick up- it involves getting into whatever the pick up venue is and scoping out the scene.

Lavo bottle service

For me this is different depending on where I am. In Vegas it requires bottle service and scoping out the line when I strut past….and yes it is a strut. Not a clumpy walk or a foot drag, but a strut that shows off my legs and the two hot tats on the back of them. You can refer to this part as the catwalk. In Toronto it is the steps I take to scope out the line. Now I typically set up guestlist and my catwalk is from the cab to the doorman…same strut, even in winter.  Let’s look at this past Sat when we went to 1812. We sent the friend (the guy my friend met up with) to make sure we didn’t have to stand in line. We left our coats in the hotel room and he was nice enough to run over and ask if we could just come in. So we did. Still cold and jacketless- we strut.  When I hit up Brooklyn it is the same- get out the cab in front of the door, and wiggle on in to the venue (of course I really only go to places with a dancefloor and most of them have a line since dancefloors in this city are dying—so guestlist is necessary). 

Now this catwalk is a part of the pick-up. It is the advertising portion of the eve.  It is when you show your wears off to others so that you can have a pool of treats to pick from. This goes for both males and females. Once you’re in there is always a catwalk to the bar and a catwalk to the bathroom….and so on. It is your initial entrance and first exposure to others at the venue. It also allows you to see who is in and what they are like before you’ve dipped heavily into the intoxicants.

Phase three: Execution level 2

Now you have scoped out the club/bar/whatever and performed a great catwalk, or dancemove or just stood around. You gotta make some eye contact or start up a conversation with someone. This has to be strategic. A shitty pick up line will not work….something simple like “hey great music” is good for the shy ones….but it would be nice to open with something a little more conversation generating. For example, at the afterhours party the washroom line is always a good hub. It is unisex  and so what ever floats your boat is in a closed space for chatting….and everyone is chatty because it keeps you from thinking about peeing….plus, when you put it into perspective, its an afterhours and everyone is in a social mood.  In a regular setting just bumping into someone on a dancefloor can spark a chat—“wow this place is busy”..”so sorry I bumped into you, want a shot?”…and so on.

Phase four: Sealing the Deal

Phase three is short…or long…depending on how much you chat up the pick up. Sometimes there really is not conversation, just some rubbing on each other, eye contact and a kiss (or make out on the dancefloor). Phase four is actually taking this person home (or just getting their number) depending on what the goal of the mission is. I’ll be honest…my goal is always the nookie….sometimes the nookie and a number for follow up, but always the nookie. It’s the best relaxant and you can’t put that shit in a bottle….So I guess I can say that picking up for me is therapeutic. Yup..not slutting about…self-medicating (that will be another blog on defining ho-ing and sluttery).

Now this phase can take a pretty or ugly turn depending on the conversation. I call 2am last call for booty…because by 3am you have to be out and that gives you an hour to chat up someone if the person you were talking to has to go home (or is too drunk to perform).  In the end you need to seal the deal. This could be just asking for the person’s number and making plans for the next day (brunch anyone?) or it could be inviting them to the afterhours club or something else that is to happen within the next day. Now I say the next day because the pick up is something that has to be acted upon immediately. It is a time sensitive activity. That person might sober up and change their mind or realize that they are actually married and was just delighted to be hit on. At any rate you need to make the plans right away. If you’re getting the nookie then this is the time to leave together or plan the 6am meet up.

When it all goes wrong:

Let’s take stinky boy at 1812.

-did not put on clean items or spray with a little febreeze or use correct antiperspirant/deodorant

-his conversation was muddled and slurry and really just consisted of grabbing women and trying to dance on them

-he did not have a plan of action…there are always women willing and ready for any man. He needed to refine his phase 3 and find an appropriate target for the pickup…its an art remember, strategically placed activities over the course of the night.

So to summarize…plan a goal, dress for success and close the deal in a timely manner. That is the Art of the Pick-Up.

Good vs Bad Kiss

Thanks to my girl Ashii...here is a picture worth 1000words that best represents The Case of the Bad Kiss.

Single on a Saturday: A sexologist and a dancer walk in to a bar...

Yup, like some kind of joke where the punch line ends in something, something poutine. I went out with my friend Camille (a professional dancer, fresh from creating choreography) for a chance to release some steam on a dance floor.

Here is a little background on what we look for in a party place:

1. Dance floor/space with danceable music: Honestly, the place could be a cardboard box on the side of the road. If there is the possibility that we can get nuts on a dance floor  then there is a possibility we will be there. Dancing is very important for many of the points to follow.

2. The crowd is mature, but not stuffy: I don't want to go into a place where I am uncomfortable laughing or dancing wildly (see how the dance floor is important). As I have mentioned in previous posts I am not into girl fights over guys, overtly obnoxious drunkenness, that weird smell in corner spots and other gross seeding things that go in line with frat bars. Great for slumming on a pub night, but not for a regular thing. Then there are those ones where the music is played nice and low and if you sneeze everyone looks over...which falls in line with #3.

3. Not pretentious: I cannot go back to King West anymore. I loved it many years ago, but now it seems like everyone is trying to out-do everyone in some way and its not fun for me (I think I was one of those people at some point in my life). Plus the lines are insane for no good reason. That takes us to 4.

4. No Lines/ No Cover: This is a no brainer. I'm spending money in your establishment and you should not try to gouge me or make me wait. This goes for the bar as well. I don't mind paying for coat check, but cover is ridiculous. I think it is a general respect to your patrons to not charge them for buying your drinks.I also like when I do not have to wait too long for a drink. So it's always good to find a place where bartenders/servers can do multiple orders at time.

5. Ability to socialize: I'm going to use a word that I have always thought about...but did not have a word for: Butt Funnel...Thank you Jon Taffer. You see I always believed that bars should have a method for ensuring people have to mix and mingle. Squeezing past while saying "wow this place is packed tonight" or dancing closely and sharing in the fun of "their tune" all increases the social level in the bar. Creates a great atmosphere and builds that "Cheers" -esk loyalty to the bar. The place where you can meet people, even if only temporarily.

6. Good People: So an extension of #2, #3 and #5- it is imperative to have a crowd that likes to socialize. You look at someone and can chat them up. Maybe a booty booking or maybe just someone to talk to while your friend is on the dance floor or in the washroom.

7. Customer Service with manners: Heck its why I will not suggest The Gladstone for a drink. Look back into the Nuit Blah edition. I'm not asking to be treated like a princess, but I am saying: I show up to you with manners, respect me and my money enough to do the same.

I'm going to end the list here...I'm sure there are more to add but I should get on with the story.

Picture it, a rainy slushy night...heehee... Seriously, it was a horrible night for precipitation, but it was still not very cold out. I was able to wear a short skirt and long jacket; perfect Saturday attire. There were puddles all over, but I had on my reliable FMB's with fleece liners (sexy, but dry and warm).


The weather basically told us it was going to be a one stop only type of night. For us, all roads bring us to Brooklynn Bar. It hits all targets (except for its cover--which is only $5). The crowd is mature and clearly older. It has the right number of Butt Funnels (when you go check out the one by the main bar opposite the main entrance) for bumping and socializing. Maybe too many hipsters for my flavour, but the crowd is still a good one.

I guess I should also add there are good looking, average type men hand over fist in this place...that's why I suggest it to single/almost single ladies. Maybe I should have made that club checklist point #1- Men who dress decently and are safe to be around.

We did get weirdly hit on by two guys...one who called my friend an angry lesbian-- we think this was his ice breaker (sad)-- and one who had the brain of a goldfish--that's a whole other episode. We still had a good time.

I think the best part was getting home easily. Due to the weather, the cabs were all pretty free at 3am..quite unusual for Queen West. I avoided the usual "after club food scene" and headed home...it was still slushing (yes, not rain or snow....slush was coming out of the sky).

Well it was a great night overall...but time to cool the partying for a bit to work on some academia...sort of...ha! lets see how long this lasts...this time.

Coke vs Cock

Well I think it is time I started addressing some common health issues that inflict the clubs. This is basically my single on a Saturday health tip.

As the title suggests this is about the impact that cocaine has on male sexual functioning. Let's be honest here, cocaine is in full effect in most Toronto clubs..hell I'll even go so far to say in every club/pub/bar/nightlife establishment there is at least one person busting rails in the bathroom...and it is probably two considering how much of a social drug it is.

What does this mean for lovers of the penis? Well....hours of fucking without an end. Yup that's the basic effect. You see, cocaine can actually be considered an aphrodisiac. It makes you horny. For men, they want that sex when they get high and can probably get a pretty decent hard on....might not be the best one, but it works. Then they have all the energy in the world because coke is a stimulant.

The hold up might come hours after he has already rawed out the vag or anus that he's been enjoying. There is this sudden (but not too sudden since there has been probably a few hours of sex at this point) realization that he can't cum. Delayed ejaculation is one of the side effects. All the friction in the world often can't help it.

There is hope gentlemen. You really just have to wait it out. Go as much as you can (or as much as partner can handle)-- use decent lube for comfort. Then take a break and rest it off. Wake-up sex is just as delicious!!!  If you cannot sleep, then just enjoy the body contact (the contact they makes you both/all feel wonderful). To the partner, just show love and understanding. This is not a sign of long term impotence, for most men it is temporary.

Remember there is no point in trying to break records if all you're doing is killing the pleasure. 

Resources:
Web MD "Cocaine and its effects": http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/cocaine-use-and-its-effects
University of Arizona "Health Effects of Cocaine" http://methoide.fcm.arizona.edu/infocenter/index.cfm?stid=212

Single on a Saturday: Etc.....

So I had day job crap to deal with all week so no party. Not even a booty delivery! Why am I stuck in this! I need a party....holidays are near....bartenders beware.
 

Single on a Saturday: Damn you day job

After last weekends mighty rush, I opted to stay home this time. I like how that sounds as though I made an adult choice...nope. I had to get work done. Until I make a  career out of this blog, I have to focus on my bread and butter--a job that I only slighty enjoy in a company that I am not sure I like at all....Well the cabin fever will set in soon and you'll get an amazing post when the animal gets released...until then...

So there are rules...

Yes I"m referring to that book that was blasted many years ago for being degrading to women. It told them to wear heels, and act like you're stupid...but, apparently, it works for those of us trying to snag a man....

I'm rereading it and plan on testing it out. I didn't buy this book...I don't think any one should buy this book. I obtained it from a book trade.  I gave up "It's Called a break up 'cause its broken" for "All the Rules"....I didn't know there was more than one book..turns out there are three and I have them all in one compact paperback.

When I started to read through it forthe second time, I accidentally flipped to rule #31: Don't tell your therapist that you are doing the rules. Oh boy...what kind of experiment have I gotten myself into...