Really...I think I'm done with dating

So I've been on the online dating scene for a very long time. From Lava to Ashley to AFF and so on. I am finding it getting a bit childish and, since Fifty Shades came out, the NSA/FWB scene has become some odd morphed must be committed and in constant contact delusional atmosphere.

There are more men on the scene trying to have fun I guess, but want to still be in power. They use a serious amount of mind games (one guy told me I was too ignorant and had to fuck off...I'm guessing its because I did not stroke his ego in the ONE conversation we had). They do the put down thing and the whole "well we should try and just be us alone for a bit"...

FUCK YOU!!!

That is not what I signed up for. If you really think that you are a god's gift to women then find someone who has never dated or had sex before. No disappointment. Don't expect me to suddenly think that because you contacted me I must feel fantastic.....when did this become a thing and who is letting these guys think this?

Then apparently they have the right to let you know you are the stupid one for not doing what they want....I dunno...it's getting harder to find a decent partner in this mix.

The other issue I'm really struggling with are those idiots who read "Fifty Shades" and now want to fulfil some dark vanilla fantasy they read about.  (dark vanilla= vanilla things that vanilla people think are risky).

OMG!!

They ask stupid questions like "what was the craziest place you had sex" or "what is your ultimate fantasy"....

I cannot stress how stupid these things are to me. If you want to know what I am into that is fine, but don't act like I'm some show piece for you to experiment with. If you want to be taught then find a women who is into that..I am not.

For me, a partner must come with a level of maturity that includes being able to understand that my life is my life...not some chapter of a book that you will get over once you've crossed off some shit on your bucket list! I think it is very pathetic and not what I am interested in. I make this pretty clear on my profile....

Then why does it still happen....morons. I guess I have to find a new city to search through.....

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When the sex is pretentious....

I don’t know what is happening with guys these days. Before  I go further , I am not out to man bash…just bash idiot men. The ones who are so pretentious that you can hear their conceit from a mile away.   What are these guys thinking…oh wait..I know. They are thinking “I’m awesome and you’re lucky I’m a live”. Even the sex is pretentious. He is so into what he considers pleasuring you—it’s a weird combination of facial expressions, odd bendy moves and him grunting “that’s good right” …hahahahaha…no, it’s really not funny.  It’s actually kind of sad. There has been a rush to blame porn for giving them unrealistic ideas of what a good lay is.  I don’t blame porn though, I blame arrogance. And not the usual arrogance, but the kind of arrogance that makes you think you’re better than a porn star and know so much about what makes someone feel good that you don’t need to ask (or take instruction).  

It sickens me to think that women and men have been subjected to this and leave the situation under satisfied. The solution is simple. Stop that shit in progress. This does take confidence and the comfort knowing that your partner is not keep going.  but you could always finish unsatisfied and not call him again. Whatever your tactic, stick to it.  you’ll gradually become more assertive and these men will gradually learn that their options are limited when they are assholes. 

Besides, there is so much better stuff out there, why settle for pretentious sex.

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Sex on a first date

Someone sent this across my way:

Why You Should Always Have Sex on a First Date

Awesome article!! The main thing to take in is that if you are sacrificing having sex with someone for the sake of looking pure then you might be wasting your time. I read "The Rules" and even attempted to follow them, but I could not. I cannot be that lady.

Sex itself is a healthy thing for the body. It hopefully leads to an orgasm or a rush of body chemicals the ends up with you feeling elated and tired. Assuming it goes well and there aren't any medical/other issues involved.

If you want technical reasons then look up these lovely chemicals:
Oxytocin: This is a hormone that the body releases during orgasm. This releases endorphins and brings a sense of elation to the body. It makes you happy.
Prolactin: A hormone mainly linked to lactation (breast feeding)
Dopamine: Another (blessed) side effect of orgasm, dopamine is a hormone released 

Of course there is the emotional side of things. The skin to skin contact can be comforting and being with someone might make you feel closer to them (or just feel good for the sake of feeling good).

All of these things are not great excuses for pressuring someone to have sex on a first date...they are just positive rationalizations. Now.... things can get iffy.

Some people see sex as a way to solidify a relationship. Sex on a first date is probably not a good idea in this situation. The first date may be the last and the sex was not intended as a connection. Then there are those who have sex addictions- a real issue. This might cause someone to have sex on a first date for no reason and then feel like shit afterwards. That is also a bad idea. There are also people that have difficulty coming to orgasm or have pain during sex (such as vaginismus). Also hard times for sex on a first date. These situations require a lot more from a partner than a quick meeting can provide.

Overall, sex on a first date can be great thing, but should not bea pressure. Do what what you're most comfortable with and do it safely.....and if you like it--do it often.


Sources:
Cool article in Chatelaine (and there is mention of Beverly Whipple, an awesome sexual scientist): http://www.chatelaine.com/health/sex-and-relationships/more-sex-is-the-secret-to-a-longer-healthier-life/
Video:http://youtu.be/sSOFtSG6nDo

Single on a Saturday: Casual sex done right!

Picture it:

You spend the night at your house with a friend. Going through the wine..and whatever other contraband you enjoy..then comes bed time..pick whichever time works for you- 1am…7am…what ever. The rest is good. Ah yes…score to the single gal…or guy. That at home nookie is great. No worries about a cab or cover or waiting in line. No need to create a pick up plan. That friend is in your home. Drinking with you…and then you bed.

Then you get up. The other side is empty.

For the most part you breathe fresh air, happy that you didn’t have to kick anyone out…but then you hear the water. Perhaps it’s the shower…even better…it’s the kitchen sink. Your dishes are being washed!!!

You were not only graciously laid, you didn’t even have to clean up after last night. 

Seriously awesome.

This is not an anomaly. It is happening.  I highly doubt it’s a regular thing, but it’s a thing. I have had experiences, and I know others that have. Their regular casual booties might straighten up the living room, clean up after the binge and /or do the dishes. 

Finding out how often this happens could be a great research project...right now I'm just calling it  an extension to my previous edition on Booty Call Etiquette. I guess it can be referred to as the Morning After Etiquette....yes...genius. (I am coining phrases that might never catch on....pass them on..!!)

Morning after etiquette works in all situations but its nice when there is a regular visitor (perhaps someone in your little black book) that cares enough to clean up after themselves on their way out. It could be their way of not leaving any evidence behind or their way of saying thanks for the bed. Maybe it's just a thanks for the sex. Whatever the case may be, they know they are on your list and that small gesture bumps them up to the top.

 Plus, at this point, it is a beneficial friends situation-- you only hang out when you want to have sex with them. Friends-with- Benefits puts the friend part first. In this situation the benefits come first. You call each other when horny and you go to dinner or just chill and watch movies...basically there are activities and then there is sex. The sex is going to come no matter what-- but you do stuff together to get the date going like true friends. 

Getting back to it..since your friendship is based on decent good times that happen occasionally, cleaning up the morning after should become a standard. It's not like you're sneaking out and hoping not to wake the person. You're planning on seeing this person again at some point. Make them want you back and, for those on the other side, use the morning after etiquette to rate your little black book. 

When casual sex is done right--all the way to the method of exiting the situation--then the beneficial friendship takes on a whole new 'no-strings-attached' level....a positive move. Single folk its time to make this a thing!!

The Case of the Bad Kiss

I'm just going to lay it out for you- bad kissing is a turn off. Now I will accept that the measure of good kissing is a personal taste. I will say that when my taste is not satisfied it is a real turn off.
What is bad kissing? What kind of kiss can take you from wet to dry? Well here are some signs to look out for:

1) My nose is in your mouth...I don't want to smell your spit or be blow your gum out of my nostril. My lips , as big as they are, are located in a normal part of my body-outside of my nose.

2) Your nose is in my mouth...that's just gross.

3)  I make that squirmy squished face look that people give when they smell something bad..this mainly occurs because I am overwhelmed with trying to figure out what the hell you're doing with your tongue and why you've decided to do it.

4) You treat my lips like some kind of chewy candy...I'm going to let you know my lips are made of people. Yup a human being is the material. Not sugar or caramel...I'm not really chocolate and I do not appreciate you trying to make what should be a fun and passionate thing into 'fun times at Willy Wonka's'!

5) I'm distant....hell I sat there thinking about the kissing rules while trapped in a deranged spit swap under some bad kisser. Yes gentlemen your partner could be thinking of those things just to get through the moment. Quite possibly he/she is waiting and wishing you'd be over or move to another part of the body. Your partner might be planning the shopping list, sorting out some stumping tax question, or thinking "who am I calling after to fix this mess".

I think these five areas are good start in understanding when you are doing it wrong, but how do you make it right?

Well its simple- you can ask your partner or you can just figure that the kiss isn't all about you. Sure you might like jamming your spit enthralled tongue into someone else's mouth, but they might not and you should consider easing into that shit.

Or when you are licking parts of the body that are not my mouth rinse you mouth out first- I don't eat myself out for a reason and it has nothing to do with flexibility.

Kissing should enhance the passion and can be very decent for play. It should involve the whole body and make a person want the other person more. I should not involve me trying to avoid having my upper lip swallowed while my bottom lip avoids nasty stubble.

Take note and practice your methods- because I won't usually tell you that you've done it wrong...I just won't contact you ever again...All you've done is helped the back up guy become the first call... until of course I remember why he was the back up..then I just get a new front runner...but its still not going to be you.

Check out this article from Marie Claire- It let me know that I'm not the only one thinking this!!!
http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/bad-kiss-mistakes

Single on a Saturday: 3 am is a booty call not a boyfriend

I can't listen to any more young women talk about the love of their life, whom they really only see after the bar closes. They don't party together, they don't go on dates, they just wait to hook up at the end of the night. Folks this is not a boyfriend/significant other/soul mate...this is some dude who did not get lucky and is now calling you to fill a void.

There is nothing wrong with having friends with benefits. Let's face it, those are often the best friends in times of hunger. But do not get them confused with a dedicated heart felt relationship. You should not expect any commitment from the booty call and this person is not a potential life partner. Hell, this person is just an extended one night stand and in a few weeks/months/sessions you won't even call to them...or they won't care to call you.

That is when you just have to let it slide. Do not cry over them or fill up their voice mail and email with your whiny nonsense. Just go out to the bar and find a new one. In fact you should have one already set to go and a back up in the wings!!

Now I can lay down some sex therapist psychobabble, but I think it is safe to say that if someone only wants to see when they did not luck out at the bar then they are not seeking you for a long term monogamous caring relationship. This is about fucking. Just look at what surrounds the 3am booty call:
1. This person has been out drinking all night..possibly for 6 hours or more
2. Last call is at 2am and typically at this time all the in club booty hook ups complete
3. They didn't call you to come out or meet while out...they waited to call you at 3am!

Sometimes you just have to be glad for the commitment free sex. If you are not, then you need to be honest with yourself and start hunting for someone that suits those needs. Make this year to evaluate what you want from a relationship and how you will make that happen. Remember that bars are a great place to meet all sorts of people, but you gotta stay focused on your goals!!

Looking to get over your hangups? Here is a suggested read:

He's Just Not That Into You: Greg Behrendt, ‎Liz Tuccillo - 2007

Coke vs Cock

Well I think it is time I started addressing some common health issues that inflict the clubs. This is basically my single on a Saturday health tip.

As the title suggests this is about the impact that cocaine has on male sexual functioning. Let's be honest here, cocaine is in full effect in most Toronto clubs..hell I'll even go so far to say in every club/pub/bar/nightlife establishment there is at least one person busting rails in the bathroom...and it is probably two considering how much of a social drug it is.

What does this mean for lovers of the penis? Well....hours of fucking without an end. Yup that's the basic effect. You see, cocaine can actually be considered an aphrodisiac. It makes you horny. For men, they want that sex when they get high and can probably get a pretty decent hard on....might not be the best one, but it works. Then they have all the energy in the world because coke is a stimulant.

The hold up might come hours after he has already rawed out the vag or anus that he's been enjoying. There is this sudden (but not too sudden since there has been probably a few hours of sex at this point) realization that he can't cum. Delayed ejaculation is one of the side effects. All the friction in the world often can't help it.

There is hope gentlemen. You really just have to wait it out. Go as much as you can (or as much as partner can handle)-- use decent lube for comfort. Then take a break and rest it off. Wake-up sex is just as delicious!!!  If you cannot sleep, then just enjoy the body contact (the contact they makes you both/all feel wonderful). To the partner, just show love and understanding. This is not a sign of long term impotence, for most men it is temporary.

Remember there is no point in trying to break records if all you're doing is killing the pleasure. 

Resources:
Web MD "Cocaine and its effects": http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/cocaine-use-and-its-effects
University of Arizona "Health Effects of Cocaine" http://methoide.fcm.arizona.edu/infocenter/index.cfm?stid=212

Booty Call Etiquette

I woke up this fine New Years Day afternoon and heard a grumble in my tummy. Naturally I was not in the mood for cooking...or reheating. Then it occurred to me: that guest that left should have come over with food.

I think this should be customary booty call etiquette. Bring a snack for the morning....well the afternoon...after. It's like bringing a gift for the host/ess. Show up at the calls door with a sandwich, a pizza, something!  Or maybe it should be the caller should bring the food for the call-ee....Nah, I want food brought over.

I'll supply other goods and beverages, but someone needs to bring over a snack. Something to help me recover after using all of that energy.

I don't want this to turn into a dinner date though. It needs to be an afterglow snack saved for after the guest leaves. 

Let me know if this is a trend that picks up...give it a try.

Happy New Year...may 2014 bring great changes ;)

Single on a Saturday: Damn you day job

After last weekends mighty rush, I opted to stay home this time. I like how that sounds as though I made an adult choice...nope. I had to get work done. Until I make a  career out of this blog, I have to focus on my bread and butter--a job that I only slighty enjoy in a company that I am not sure I like at all....Well the cabin fever will set in soon and you'll get an amazing post when the animal gets released...until then...

Single on a Saturday: Sausage with a side of meatballs

Is it just me or did Toronto have a huge influx of men in the bars this weekend?

Not complaining, just saying…and it was good times. Let’s take it from the top.

Friday, after the shittiest work week so far, I went to a friend’s bday get together at Encore-- up near Dovercourt and Dupont. I walked down a scary dark road, that I probably should have not walked down, and made it to this jamming party. Great DJ playing great old school tunes. Men….mostly men at the bar. I didn’t think anything of it then. I just enjoyed my booze and reconnecting with people I know.

I then toddled off to PJ O’briens on Colbourne for a hot whiskey and to celebrate with other friends. This is where it became apparent that Toronto was taken over by men. Men with ugly mo’s, but men just the same. The place was packed with them. I shifted my way to the bar to meet up with the ladies.  

Click on picture for Hot Whiskey info

So my one hot whisky turned into several. It was nice to just hang out and chit chat. There was one annoying guy  that must have really thought being sarcastic and unsexy was a the best way to get into bed with someone. He played the cockblocker. I tried to entertain and have fun with his dance floor antic, but he kept holding my hand (or trying). I wasn’t that drunk and not that into touching him. Eventually I started to ignore him.  Unfortunately, most of the other men at the bar were not as social (or were perhaps dismayed).

That pub used to be a great place to pick up hot Irish men as you dance to a live Irish Folk band.  Tonight there was not such a vibe. No Irish men (beyond the bartenders) and no Irish band. It was almost like being at a wedding reception…maybe it was a reception and we just did not realize it. Whoops.

Now let’s shuffle on to Saturday when two singles decided it was time to be out all night. Yup this was a 9am-er. I met up with my friend over in the Queen West area. I have been turned off of this neighbourhood before, but tonight was different. It was definitely an all-time best.

We started at …um…I don`t know the name of the place. It was on Queens West somewhere west of Beaconsfield. It was a nice little place with a DJ and bar. That`s all I needed on Saturday.  My Patron Café was only $9 and it was delicious! It wasn`t busy, but the male: female ratio was higher than the place before. 

We chatted and then moved down the street. Nice and random…and I cannot remember the name of the second place.  Good music, $4 tequila shots, and men men men…. At this point in the night we were doing shots and taling travel with a guy at the bar. Nice local type of place; the bartender knew him by name!!  I really hope we find it again.

Then we wondered to Brooklynn, but it was full…and there was a line. 

I do not stand in lines. As far as I'm concerned, 20 years of clubbing is worth being able to walk on in.

We hustled off to another bar…the Gladstone. After my last experience (See the Nuit Blah Edition) I did not want to go, but there wasn`t a line up and it was karaoke and that it is always fun times. I don`t sing but I love dancing to it.

After one drink we decided it was time to try Brooklynn again. Of course at this point there is no line up. Now here is where it all gets crazy…the man to lady ratio was somewhere in the area of 5:1. Great odds…great odds….I think it is also safe to mention that they were not pretentious or ugly. I was definitely satisfied. The music was great and everyone was so social.Did I mention the men were hot. Just saying. I haven't seen a lot of hot men in this city in a while...especially concentrated in one room!

I danced off steam; socialized; I loved it and went on to the after hours. Made it to my home at 9:30am after a mini walk of shame...that's how single gals (should) do it.

I feel like I'm getting my groove back...f-you horrible week, I win!!!